The journey of a marriage doesn't start with popping the question "Will you marry me?" and ending with when the priest says "You may kiss the bride".
It is not a simple case of black or white. The truth is, whether you are at the heels of a newlywed bliss or reaching your 20th wedding anniversary, most likely you've had a war of words along the way.
Jane Greer, PhD, a NYC-based marriage and family therapist, says that flare-ups aren't that bad. She adds, "If you never make it clear that you disagree with one another, then the anger and resentment go underground and come out in retaliatory behaviors, which can weaken your relationship."
That said, every conflict should be resolved collaboratively. Whatever the fight is, you should both be able to vocalize your concerns, express your preferences, and be able to come up with a reasonable plan that doesn't leave one or both of you sulking in the corner.
Here are six common couple fights and how to navigate your way through them.
How to spend your money
The next time you want to buy something and your spouse balks, sit down and consider whether the person who's against the purchase would have to sacrifice anything in order to fund it. If the answer is yes—perhaps you think that him buying new golf clubs means you won't be able to get the new TV you want—then it's time to draft up a budget (if you don't have one already) to see what's really doable. If you could technically afford it but you or your partner is still against it, then you need to have a deeper conversation. Maybe one of you thinks splurging on certain items is wasteful or is harboring deep-seated fears about losing even a sizeable nest egg. Chatting about it should help you gain some perspective and figure out how to move forward.
How often you have sex
Susan Heitler, PhD, says that a sexless couple is a vulnerable couple, and when there is a major imbalance [in your desire], that's a big problem. Ignoring the problem won't make it go away; you need to sit down and come to an agreement about how frequently—or infrequently—you get it on. If you can't resolve it mutually—or in a way that satisfies both of you—you should seriously consider seeing a therapist. "This is the type of conflict that leads one person to have an affair," which could pave the way for the dissolution of the relationship, warns Heitler.
How you express anger
If one person is used to shouting matches and the other is the silent-type, then there's going to be some tension. When there is a difference of opinion, talk about it at a time when you're both calm, and try to understand why one (or both) of you are so angry and how to express this emotion without a big explosion. Anger is a stop sign and once it manifests, you need to pause.
What role extended family plays in your lives
It is not a rarity that either you or your spouse's extended family knocks at your front door to spend some time with you. More often than not, most of the fights start with these kinds of issues. It's time to set some boundaries. You might not have the same ideas about what's OK and what's not, but you need to talk about it and be respectful of your partner's take. If you get upset because your sister-in-law insists on talking with your husband about your relationship, it's important not to attack her but instead to explain that you feel uncomfortable because that is your personal, private space.
What to do when one of you loses your job
Money is hard to come by nowadays, and it's pretty common for one spouse to suddenly (and often unexpectedly) become unemployed. If that happens, it's imperative that you talk about your expectations as soon as possible. You need to make sure you're on the same page so there are no misunderstandings that can create major conflict later on. You might think it's important that your significant other take the next opportunity that pops up, while he might be fine with going jobless for a solid 6 months while he waits for the right fit. Once you know where you both stand, you can work toward finding a compromise that won't leave you both broke and depressed.
Who does what at home
You need to sit down and sort out who's in charge of laundry, dirty dishes, taking the dog out, etc., simple as that. You may want to improvise, for example: both of you are too lazy to tackle the dishes -- you might want to ditch ceramic plates for a time being and use paper plates instead, then work your way from there.
Source: Prevention
Image: The Bayside Journal
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